


Visibility

by feverbeats



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-10 01:19:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feverbeats/pseuds/feverbeats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wishes he had a visibility cloak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Visibility

  
Peter has a hell of a lot of problems in his life, but this one is the oldest. It started when he was thirteen and it hasn't stopped since. It's still going on now, seven years later, in the middle of a fucking _war_ for Merlin's sake.

Somehow, it seems worse than the war. Even more oddly, he takes comfort in that fact. No matter how many people are dying or disappearing around him, he can always take refuge in the easy, safe pain of his crush on James.

When James was thirteen, he broke the monotony of his two-year crush on Lily by starting to carry on with Sirius. It was silly and it didn't really mean anything to James, which maybe hurt more people than it helped, but Peter couldn't get over it. It's not as though he thought he had a chance with James before, but having one of his best friends getting what he'd never have made it worse somehow.

Everyone—which at that point consisted of Lily, Frank, and Snape—kept casting sympathetic looks in Remus's direction and making little remarks about how it was _too bad_ that Sirius was being like this.

None of them ever said a word to Peter.

When they were fourteen, James and Sirius stopped being ridiculous and Remus stopped being tense all the time, but things just got worse for Peter. It became very easy to hate Lily.

Now, it's becoming frighteningly easy to hate James.

It would be so much easier if James had ever rejected Peter, if he'd said, "Listen, mate, I think you're great and all, but I'm in love with Lily. Oh, and that business with Sirius? Didn't mean a thing. I don't fancy men. But I _do_ think you're fantastic."

And the horrible thing is, if James had ever realized how Peter felt, that's exactly what he would have said. But James, for all his brilliance, never had any idea. Of course it would never occur to him now, with Lily on one arm and a baby on the way. Peter wouldn't want James to realize now, or at least that's what he tells himself. Rocking the boat a little might feel nice for once.

He wishes he had a visibility cloak.

Tonight, he's actually at James and Lily's house, having dinner and fighting back panic. They're all here, talking and laughing like normal life has somehow resumed. There's a strange current under all of it, though, and it especially shows in Remus's eyes and Sirius's fingers. Peter watches as Sirius's hands fiddle with the keys to his motorbike, the edge of the tablecloth, the frayed hem of Remus's shirt.

James is the only who who isn't showing the same traces of wear. Maybe he's more resilient than they are and maybe he's just better at hiding it when he's hurting, but either way, the contrast only makes Peter feel emptier and more angry.

The talk turns to Sirius and Remus, jokes making light of the fact that they can't get married. "You should be thanking your lucky stars, Padfoot," James says. "Marriage is a mess."

Lily tries to hit him with a piece of chicken speared carefully on her fork. "Shut it," she says affectionately.

Remus smiles a little wistfully. "Getting married in the middle of a war always seemed sort of . . . I mean, no offense, Prongs, but I'm not sure it's something I'd do."

"No," Lily says, "I know what you mean. You wouldn't be sure if you were doing it because you wanted to or because you might die tomorrow."

James and Sirius start to protest, but Remus says loudly, over them, "Let's talk about something else."

Lily nods and shifts focus. "What about you, Peter?"

"Yeah," James chimes in, "When are you going married, Wormtail?"

Peter bites his tongue and stammers out something almost incomprehensible, and they all go back to their conversation.

He's tired of being afraid, and even the ache of aloneness is getting old. It's unlike Peter to want to snap and break and change things, but even he has a point at which he can't take any more. He'll shove his feelings down again for the rest of the night, but after that, maybe he'll try letting things out and seeing what he _really_ feels.


End file.
